Today is day 7 of a new chapter without my beloved dog Aramis. He was 19 years old and we decided to put him to sleep after 2 days of not eating, not drinking and unable to get up, stand up and other evidence of the active dying process. After reading about the pet dying process, I knew that the time was up and he’d been showing signs all along of the preaactive dying stage. I just wasn’t sure or maybe oblivious, maybe in denial to the fact that he was nearing the end. I’m so grateful and glad that I was able to prepare, make arrangements quickly and that the vet was available to see us that day when we decided to take him in. The vet confirmed that it was time. I stayed with Aramis when he was on the table not moving, just staring blankly into space. I stroked his head and talked to him while the vet was looking for a vein to inject the 2 injections, to first relax his muscles then to stop his heart. I felt his body and knew right away he was gone. The vet confirmed by checking for his heart beat which he had none. I stayed at least 10 minutes and kissed him one last time and told him I’ll see him later.
I really don’t recall the last time I felt this way. This sadness, vacant feeling is so overwhelming to the point it’s hard to breathe. I try to take deep breathes but it’s hard and I can’t. I know and understand that what I’m going through is normal grief process. To help myself cope, I started reading about grief, pet bereavement and went over the stages of grief. I also made sure I did my rituals and normal routine and in many moments, his face comes to mind and I pause and sometimes I cry. I tell myself it’s ok that this is normal and I work through it and allow the sadness to take over. Just let it be. Just allow the moment to come and pass. My other dog Jasper probably senses my sadness and his loss of a friend too. He looks at me sometimes and sits by not asking for anything. This is the saddest I have been in a very long time. What gives me comfort in a way is knowing that what I’m feeling is normal. I don’t spend too much time on regret or guilt which is also normal. I allow myself to feel the pain and sadness when I think of him. I know it will probably be this way for awhile- this is grief. It’s like a feeling of being lost, confused, not knowing where I should go next. I will find my way again. It will just take some time….
Kommentare